Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."