You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.