Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.