Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!
Mitch HedbergCavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch HedbergOnions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
Mitch HedbergI went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!
Mitch Hedberg