If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.