People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.