People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

We don't have to fix anything.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.