Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

We don't have to fix anything.

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.