Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.