I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.