I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.