I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.