I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.