I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.