I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.