Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.