I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.