An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"