An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"