I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.