The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch HedbergI know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch HedbergI'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
Mitch HedbergYou should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg