I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.