I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.