I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.