I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."