I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.