I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.