Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.