Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.