I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"