I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

Why are there no "during" pictures?

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.