Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.