I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!
Mitch HedbergI've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Mitch HedbergI love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
Mitch HedbergI bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
Mitch HedbergThat's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.
Mitch Hedberg