Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"