I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.