I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.