Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.