I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.