I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"