If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.