I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.