I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.