Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"