I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.