If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!