I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!