I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.