I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"