I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it.

I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special.

I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable.

I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation.

Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore?

I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira.

One could say, that #‎ Masons were raised right.