I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it.

When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny.

I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira.

Homemade sweaters are always itchy.

I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special.

It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.

I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked.