I don't like dating or just living with a woman. I like to create a relationship, a marriage. And almost all of my marriages have involved children, so I'm really a family man as well.

A lot of your personality is formed before you're 12, obviously, but only a few of my plays use characters from my childhood. The more mature plays are affected only by my adult experiences.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

Once you've opened yourself up, it's best to go all the way.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending.

There's no such thing as a sure thing. That's why they call it gambling.