No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor.

Really, all religious teachings can be boiled down to: “Just be cool. Don’t be an asshole.

I'm always pleased that I managed to stay out of jail throughout my tenure in Chicago.

I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.

I'm opposed to a lot of the time that we as a civilization have come to spend looking at screens. For my money, life is much delicious damn near everyplace but inside that screen.

It's hard to swallow when people say, "Oh my God, you're a master of something." I say, "No, I'm actually a student of that. I could turn you on to websites for 25 masters, and you'll quickly see that I am their disciple."

Whenever I have a stubborn position on something, I take a deep breath and swallow myself.