Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I find it depressing that people think you have to be on drugs to watch [my stuff], that’s a cop out, use your brain, use your imagination.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.