Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

I'd have to do unannounced gigs because your fans will laugh at everything because they know what you do already. What you really want is a neutral audience that isn't too harsh - a good comedy crowd - but that don't know necessarily what you're doing.

If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying quickly.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?