I'm only drinking white wine because I'm on a diet and I don't eat.

I have two ambitions in life: one is to drink every pub dry, the other is to sleep with every woman on earth.

I would much rather end up a fertiliser under a sunflower which is eventually made into sunflower seed oil so that instead of nibbling me in her prawn cocktail, the pretty girl will rub me on her bristols as she suns herself on a beach in the Caribbean.

You get so weak from eating pears that you fall down, and then they come and take you away on a stretcher.

I also use women as a sex object; maybe I'm kinky. However, I like to talk to them as well.

But the trouble is that when you drink it, you invariably meet other people drinking it.

I'm not a villain, I've never hurt anyone. I'm just a tawdry character who explodes now and again.