Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.

Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want.

I'm a political conservative.