A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does.

Ann Coulter to me is someone who says things that I say all the time, but I say them at three in the morning when I'm drunk as a monkey. She says them at three in the afternoon stone sober in bright daylight.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine.

I think in the [Bill] Clinton era, if people hadn't been spending vast amounts of time attacking Clinton, they would have found that they had essentially the same problems as they do now.

A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible.