A cocktail party is what you call it when you invite everyone you know to come over to your house at six p.m., put cigarettes out on your rug, and leave at eight to go somewhere more interesting for dinner without inviting you.

I don't watch much television. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I don't know where The Daily Show stand politically, do you?

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

Smoking crack is a way for people who couldn't afford college to study the works of Charles Darwin.

We're told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We're told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it's hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald's from a speeding train. And we're told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?

The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.