Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.

Politics should be limited in scope to ware, protection of property, and the occasional precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class.

What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?