That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

I've decided that my motto in life is "Get off my lawn." It's the right answer to everything.

I am a great admirer of women.

Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?

Remember that all tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes, you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot. ... Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?'

Last year, on a long car trip, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh shout. I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. I listen to NPR: "World to end-poor and minorities hardest hit." I like to argue with the radio.