You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.

Whenever people tell you they are going to wipe the slate clean, it's your slate they mean to wipe.

The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. Being a Republican, I'm backing Hillary Clinton. Because she could lose. The reason is not that she's a woman. The reason is that she's the particular woman who taught the 4th grade class that every man in America wished he were dead in. Hillary Clinton is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown. Hillary Clinton is "America's ex-wife."

In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

Everything on a boat has a different name than it would have if it weren't on a boat. Either this is ancient seafaring tradition or it's how people who mess around with boats try to impress the rest of us who actually finished college.

Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.