You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.

Any person who has spent time outdoors actually doing something, such as hunting and fishing as opposed to standing there with a doobie in his mouth, knows nature is not intrinsically healthy.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living.

The main reason to be opposed to political control of smoking is to keep power -even the smallest and silliest kind of power - out of the hands of ... members of a dangerous class -the class that knows what's good for us better than we do.

The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.

I bought my first house because of Animal House.